My Smile Remains
by CourtneyEllen
Summary: Does anybody know what we are looking for?


_For QLFC, I was given the prompt: Show Must Go On by Queen_

_Word Count: 1,867_

* * *

_Empty spaces._

_What are we living for?_

_Abandoned places._

_I guess we know the score._

Life after James and Lily's death felt daunting… and it had only been a week without them in his life. A week with Harry waking up in the middle of the night, screaming for a mother that would never come. Sirius was well aware that he should be handling himself a lot better for Harry's sake – James and Lily had entrusted their gorgeous boy to Sirius' capable hands. Only those hands were trembling, and blood dripped from them onto the floor below him, his shoes crunching against shards of glass with every step.

It felt like someone was torturing him – hours spent under the Cruciatus curse – as he waited for Remus to come home to babysit Harry. Sirius needed to get away, he needed to release some of his anger, his sadness. He had not been able to hang on until Remus got here, however. Harry had woken from his nap, and Sirius' head had pounded with the urge to quieten him. He was not Lily; he did not know how to calm the boy who cried for her. With the anger itching under his skin, Sirius had hit a mirror in the entrance hall instead of reaching for his wand. He did not know what he would have done to Harry had he grabbed his wand instead.

His thoughts drove him up to his room, long since abandoned and still the same mess that it had been when he was a teenager, when he would have done anything to upset his mother. The Black heir could still hear Harry's wails, every fiber in him screaming to go take care of his godson, but Sirius could not risk it. He would never forgive himself if he turned his wand on Harry. He was just a baby.

Sirius did not know how long it was before the wails stopped, meaning Remus had arrived to clean up Sirius' mess. The ending of Harry's crying only made Sirius' louder in the quiet room.

_On and on._

_Does anybody know what we are looking for?_

It took close to an hour for Remus to find Sirius, the older man still on the floor with his knees tucked to his chest. Remus bounced the baby higher up on his hip as he made his way over to him. He had seen the mess in the hall, but he had thought that Sirius was managing. That he could handle Harry on his own.

"Siri?" Remus called softly, the old pet name for his lover slipping from his lips easily. It had been months since the two of them had acted anywhere close to partners, the trouble of Voldemort keeping the two from each other and later the death of their best friends providing more of a rift. The younger man made to crouch down in front of Sirius, but the latter quickly bounced to his feet, in a way that Remus had not seen since Hogwarts.

"When did you get home, Rem?" Sirius' voice sounded too happy for the scene that Remus had entered into downstairs, the dried tears on Sirius' face making his tone feel even more out of place. The Black heir swooped in to steal Harry from Remus, pressing long kisses into those messy locks and holding him as if his hand was not covered in dried blood. Remus observed closely as Sirius seemed to hold Harry like a lifeline, murmuring into his hair words that Remus could not hear. With a final kiss to Harry's forehead – right on that stupid scar – Sirius made his way out of the room, words of dinner spewing from his mouth.

He left behind a confused lover who was trying to piece together the broken glass and wailing baby downstairs to the happy shell and desperate kisses Sirius had turned into upstairs.

_Another hero,_

_Another mindless crime_

_Behind the curtain_

_In the pantomime._

Harry, it turned out, was a rather clumsy child. He enjoyed being rough and seemed to skin his knees faster than they could heal. It was no surprise to either man when the young boy came into the kitchen crying over a newly skinned elbow. Kreacher was right behind him, wringing his hands together in worry over the raven-haired boy. The friendship between the loathsome house-elf and Harry had been a shock to them all, but Remus figured that the elf simply missed taking care of someone who was not rude to him. Harry was the perfect candidate.

"Oh, did you get another boo-boo?" Sirius cooed, already swooping in to lift Harry onto the counter and press kisses along his arm and elbow while Remus got the cleaning spray and plasters to cover up the mark. Sirius distracted Harry from the sting of the spray – which the clumsy boy should be used to by now – and placed another kiss over the plaster when Remus put it on. Remus could not help but place his own round of kisses to the proclaimed 'boo-boo'.

"You are my hero, daddy!" Harry cheered, reaching for Sirius. Only the man had frozen at the name, staring at Harry like he was speaking another language. Remus could see the turmoil building in his lover's eyes and could feel his heart tug painfully when Sirius bolted from the room. Harry's own eyes re-filled with tears, watching his father-figure run away from him.

_Hold the line._

_Does anybody want to take it anymore?_

"Harry, you know that Sirius isn't your daddy, right?" Remus attempted to explain to a four-year-old why Sirius had run from him. To be perfectly honest, Remus wanted to run as well. Harry had never called either of them his parents so far but had also been thinking of Sirius as his daddy for a while now if the sneaky Legilimens Remus had cast on him was to be believed.

"But he is! He's my new daddy!" Harry up until this point had been a perfect angel, but he seemed to be very set in the fact that Sirius was his father. Remus let out a sigh, head tilted back to pray for James and Lily's help. They had to help him with this, he could not do it alone. He was too tired to continue like this.

"I know Prongslet, but he isn't ready to be your daddy. He still misses your birth father," Remus tried a different approach, knowing that Sirius would hate him for it, but he needed Harry to calm down before he passed out. He was so red in the face, snot and tears covering his skin. Remus was struck in that moment by how young Harry was. He was only four, had lost his parents and adopted two others on his own in the process. One of which had run away at the mere mention of the title 'daddy'. It was all unfair for this little boy.

Sirius had never wanted to take James' place as Harry's father, but it had happened, and he had to live with that.

_Show must go on._

_Show must go on._

_Inside my heart is breaking._

_My make-up may be flaking._

_But my smile still stays on._

As Remus was explaining things to Harry in the kitchen, Sirius had taken a more drastic approach to his thinking. As a test of the Fidelius charm on Grimmauld Place, Sirius stood on the edge of the roof, eyes downcast to the street below him where Muggles went about their normal activities at six in the evening on a Tuesday afternoon. Or was it Thursday? Sirius was unsure, time passed strangely in his childhood home, and it was not as if he could leave the house. There were still people out there that wanted to hurt Harry.

Harry… Sirius did not know what to do with Harry. He had looked at Sirius with such confidence when he'd called him daddy. He had been so sure that Sirius was to be called that. Sirius' heart ached, not for the name but for the hope that had come with it. A want that Sirius had not realized had turned into a need with Harry. A want to be a father that had only turned into a need with each passing day caring for Harry. His little Prongslet. It hurt so much because Sirius longed to hear that name from Harry when directed at him, and it felt like such a crime to James' memory.

"Forgive me," Sirius begged the clouds above him, his feet anchored to the roof despite the dark thoughts that echoed for him to take a step forward, that dared him to see how far the Fidelius shielded and how long it would take a Muggle to find him.

No, Harry could not lose another parent.

That was what Sirius was. He was Harry's parent, and right now his boy was probably crying, believing he had lost another parent.

"Forgive me," Sirius repeated, taking a step back from the ledge, his eyes still towards the sky, "but _**the show must go on**_," he whispered, a small smile coming to his lips at the familiar phrase that had come one too many times from Lily's mouth in their younger years. He had no clue why she had said the phrase so much, but it felt right in this moment. He made his way off the roof and back to his small family. _His._

Stepping back in the kitchen, Sirius was met by the sight of his partner trying to get Harry to eat dinner and the young boy refusing, his face still the same shade as a tomato and soft sniffles coming from him every few seconds. When they both caught sight of him, they had almost identical expressions (so much so that Sirius had to stifle a chuckle), a cross between worry and shyness. Harry looked down at his plate for a split second before those green eyes were piercing through Sirius once more.

"Daddy?" Harry's voice was soft, much softer than either man had ever heard it, and both disliked the pitch immediately. They would take screaming Harry over soft-spoken Harry. Sirius felt his heart ache, this time for the pain he had caused his boy. The Black heir stepped forward and lifted Harry into his arms, the young boy latching onto him as the tears started again. Whispers of apologies were shushed as Sirius rocked back and forth to soothe Harry. Remus was staring at Sirius in surprise, figuring it was another situation like a few years back when Sirius had punched the hall mirror and then acted like his happy-go-lucky self.

Only when their eyes connected over Harry's shoulder, Remus could see the tears in his partner's eyes and the soft grin on his lips. A real smile. It made Remus' heart flutter – like all those years ago when he had first seen that smile on the Hogwarts Express. Sirius beckoned Remus to him, and the small family of three huddled together in the middle of the kitchen. Their faces were wet, but all involved knew that they would be okay. Maybe not this minute, but one day.


End file.
